Hopes and Dreams
by Ildreen Love
Summary: Teenagers have their dreams and hopes, as well as their own personal dramas, and that includes the cast of Gravitation. Rated PG13 to be safe.
1. A Journal

Chapter one: A journal

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It hurts. I wish I could smile a real smile, no another fake old stupid smile. But I can't. No one notices, but every time they say those things to me they make it more and more difficult to smile a real smile. 

All I hear are those comments:

"Why don't you stop wasting your time and make something useful?"

"How long are you going to stay there doing nothing?"

"Why don't you focus on the important things instead of those songs?"

I have my own questions you know? Like why no one cares about what's important to me? I know that listening to music and trying to write lyrics is useless to everyone else, but to me they are my refugee, the only thing that brings peace to my mind. It's my dream, probably the only one I have.

And they want to take that away from me too.

Like everything else wasn't enough, not the bullying, or the emptiness, the feeling that I'm failing to them, no, that's not enough, they also want to take away from me what's kept me sane through all the pain I've been feeling for the lasts months.

And it's not like I'm good at anything else. I mean, I'm only at school 'cause my parents would have a heart attack or something if I stopped going. The only thing I've ever wanted, truly wanted to be in my life it's so impossible and ridiculous that I haven't dare to tell anyone, they might as well laugh about it.

I want to be a singer.

I know, stop laughing about it. It's just.... whenever I'm singing I feel so free... these songs I write... they might seem like crap to anyone else, but I'm so proud of them! And it's not like I can't stop it! No matter where I am or what I'm doing, my brain doesn't seem to stop thinking about it, and the inspiration flies freely. I have imagined so many times myself singing so many different songs that it's becoming almost real to me.

-sight- If only I were stronger... but I'm afraid that if I try becoming a singer I'll fail. Or even worst, that I'll succeed and when I'm at the top of my career my inspiration will leave me, and I won't be able to sing again or write songs that make people dream. And then I'll fall.

What if I try and I can't come up with something good enough?

Will everyone tell me "I told you so" and laugh to me?

Will they look at me in disappointment and say nothing, like all those times before?

Gotta go. I have homework and they are waiting for me to go, smile and do something 'useful' instead of being here in my room doing 'nothing'... if only they knew... but it's useless to try talk to them. After all, they are my parents and the 'adults' here, aren't they? They know what's best for me, right?

If that's true... then why am I feeling so down, why do I want to escape from here and never come back, why do I want to scream and let the world know that I'm more that the 'cute cheerful' guy of the class?

Why can't I let the real Ryuichi out, and smile a real smile?

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Sorry if there are mistakes. No beta-reading this time. Next: A book.


	2. A Book

Chapter Two: A book.

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It's all different. A year ago, while I was in Japan, just suggesting that I was curious to know what this book is about would drive my teacher (and my father) nuts. Instead, he has encouraged me to read all I want and as much as I can, as long as it's in english so I can improve my vocabulary. 

I bet that if Tohma-san knew this he would stop sending me japanese books and started sending english ones. But that's not important here. What it's is that I've already read more books in the last few weeks that in my whole life before. I'm glad my dad agreed to let me come here.

And he didn't laughed when I told him, half-jokingly, that I could become a writer. Instead, he smiled and told me that if I truly wanted to be one I should start practicing my language. I had never been happier in my life than when I showed him a short story I wrote and he smiled and told me that I had the potential.

I admire Kitazawa-san a lot, I hope one day I'll be as good teacher as he is. Well, not that I've ever wanted to become a teacher, of course. I just hope that I'll be able to show someone the things and places that he's shown to me, and make someone else feel the way I do. Like an important and intelligent individual, that should be respected no matter the looks or the age.

Back there at the temple all I ever heard were the yelling of my sister, the complaining of my little brother and the expectations of my dad. Here I feel free. There no one took me seriously because the way I look, and because they all think I'm too young to understand. Understand what? They think I'm naive, but I think I'm optimistic.

I don't care about them anymore, I trust in the words Kitazawa sensei told me, that in life all the good stuff must be remembered, while the bad things should be left behind. Well, those weren't his exact words, but it's the meaning what's important, right?

... This book is great.

I feel a bit sorry for my sis and for Tats, because they have no idea what they are missing by not reading these books. And really grateful that, even after no one in my family is a 'reader', I've found my real passion in them.

I'm already finishing this novel, and I can't wait to begin the next one. Kitazawa-san is expecting me at the park so we can discuss the book, so I better start reading again.

Who would've thought that so far from the country I was born I would find a true friend and a new home? And most importantly, who knew that hundreds of new worlds lied behind such a simple thing as a book?

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Thanks to HeavenGoddes and Kanilla for reviewing, but specially to Guren, who review almost immediately after I posted this.  
Sorry if there are mistakes. Next: Guitar Solo


	3. Guitar Solo

**Chapter Three: Guitar Solo

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**

Three in the morning. The house it's quiet, except for the noise at my room. I should be sleeping you know, but there's no other time for me to practice, so here I am.

Shu asked me the other day how was I doing with my new guitar. To be honest I should have told him that I hadn't even touched it because I've been studying, but the smiling face and the eyes full of hope made me lie. I told him that I was getting used to it and that I had learned some of the keys.

Stupid me. Shuichi would've probably been disappointed if I had told him the truth, but he would've understood. But noooo, I had to lie and he was so excited he said that this weekend we should practice together. Practice what? I can barely remember how to place my fingers to make a decent sound, not to mention they hurt.

Well, I shouldn't complain, after all he wasted all his savings to buy it for my birthday. Ah Shuichi, if only you knew I can't follow my dreams as easily you do...

I hear you laugh and describe how our first concert will be and see you write lyrics for our debut. Someday, you say, we'll be as famous as Nittle Grasper is. But we are just a couple of teenagers dreaming, and I can't help to feel bad for deceiving you, for letting you think I'll be there to impress the crowd.

I know I told you that I wanted to play the guitar. I swear I was honest all those times I stared at the music store with a hopeful look on my face, wanting to touch the instrument, wanting to learn how to play it. But it was just that, a dream.

You should've let it be. I was ok like that, dreaming. Now you've given me this, an opportunity to follow that dream. Don't you know you've given me the keys to my own doom?

I can't do it. Look at my brother. Yuuzi is free and he can do whatever he wants but I can't. Can't you see how different we are? No, of course you can't. Because you two are the same, careless and free. I'm not that brave.

If I follow you, I'll end up in this uncertain place, with no guaranties. You smile excited at it, but... I guess following my parent's expectations it's easier. And I know for certain that I'll be a good doctor if I follow that path.

Can't be their second disappointment, you know?

Now I feel stupid. Talking to Shuichi when he's not even here. Well, I guess that's better than talking to no one or to myself, but still... pretty stupid. Like standing alone in my room at four in the morning practicing guitar.

Why am I doing this? To please Shuichi like I study to please my mom and dad? Is it really me who wants to learn to play the guitar or is it he?

No, Shu is not like that. I guess that's why I'm here, fingers swollen and all. 'Cause Shu can see through my disguise and read me like the back of his hand. 'Cause he knows it was real when I almost cried when I saw my new guitar.

'Cause he knows sometimes at this hour I wake up and smile, thinking that one day at this hour we'll be celebrating our first single recording and maybe, just maybe I'll feel truly alive.

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Thanks to Guren (again, first one to review), HeavenGoddess, Kanilla, psychobread fish (yep, A book is about Yuki, I thought it was self explanatory) and DECP (I feel honored you put me in your C2 community).  
Again, sorry if there are mistakes. Next: Interlude One: Yuki's dream.


	4. Interlude One: Yuki's dream

**Interlude One: Yuki's dream. **

**

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**The park. A warm afternoon of autumn. People pass by without giving us a second look. Every Sunday, he forces this little ritual and we go eat ice cream or something. 

In the table, my coffee begins to get cold, as his ice cream melts. How ironic. And then, he smiles. We are just holding hands and yet, he looks happier than ever.

Time passes by. An hour, maybe two, with little talk and lots of silence. Doesn't matter, because right now it's just the two of us.

And then he stands up, stretches out and prepares to leave. He picks up his cell phone, remembering to turn it on. I take out a cigarette, the first one of the afternoon, and light it up.

He laughs about some nonsense and then we walk away, content, each one knowing to be ready for another week of work, endless fights and attention from the media and our fans.

Doesn't matter. As long as we can come here and disappear from the rest of the world, we know we will survive. How knows, maybe next week I'll try the ice cream myself.

**

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters.

A/N: This came immediately 'cause it's really short.  
Sorry for the mistakes blah blah blah. Next: Singing to the sky.


	5. Singing to the sky

**Chapter Four: Singing to the Sky

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**

The excitement it's all too much. In a couple of minutes I'm going to Nittle Grasper concert. I can't wait to see Sakuma-san sing again. So what if I went yesterday? It's not my fault that they made two concerts in this town is it?

Maiko kept telling me I'm insane, and my mom kept telling me I should've used my money for something else. My dad just shook his head and ignored our endless discussion.

It's ok though. I know they are worried that I'm too obsessed with him. Well, I admit I admire him a lot, but it's not like he's my god or something... well, he is like a god, but that's normal, 'cause, as I tell anyone that is willing to hear me for more than five minutes (or maybe just for more than one single minute, and usually that's Hiro) I want to be like him.

I dream that one day I'll sing along with him in a stage, with the crowd screaming at us, and Hiro playing the guitar. What else could I ask for?

... maybe a little support from someone. I know I have Hiro, but his parents ask so much from him he's always busy with school things. Also, he's different from me.

The other day I heard one of our teachers commenting that I was a bad influence and that, while he had a bright future, I would be lucky if I ever got a decent job.

It hurt you know? I know I'm not the brightest apple of the tree or whatever you want to call me, but that's not fair. I have many talents you know? I can write lyrics, that maybe aren't the coolest ever written, but they are not that bad. And I can play the synthesizer, not like a pro, but I'm better than many. And I can sing!

... Why isn't that enough? One day, Hiro and I will make the audience go wild with our songs, I'm sure of it. So why isn't it that enough?

So what if I'm not smart or have many talents, I'm a good person and that's what matters right? I mean would I want to be a smart student with many talents but have a bad attitude, being pessimistic and mean? Would I change who I am to be more of what people expect from me?

... I can't believe I'm actually thinking about it. No, I wouldn't. I... maybe... if I could be more like them...

Ah, but there's no point on thinking about it, is there? I can't change who I am. I'm fine by being just me... Yeah right, not even I believed that.

I want to make my mom and dad proud like Maiko does. I want my teachers to respect me and I want my classmates to admire me instead of making fun of me. I want to be able to understand the classes without Hiro's explanations.

I want so many things... But Hiro says he wouldn't change me for the world. Sometimes I wonder if that's true, but he says he likes me for who I am. He says I'm his best friend and that he's proud of me. He says I make him smile.

Ah, maybe that's enough for me. All I want is one, just one, person that likes me for who I am, and I guess Hiro does.

And who cares about that stupid teacher anyway! One day he'll turn his old tv on and he'll see me, bright and happy, singing in front of thousands! And then he'll regret not having faith in me...

Faith... I wonder if Sakuma-san ever felt like no one had faith on him... Nah, he's the most talented singer in Japan, maybe even the world! I bet thousands of people supported his dream and help him become a singer.

Me on the other hand have Hiro. And as long as he sticks to my side I'll keep on trying, I promise!

He's the best friend I could've ask for, and I'll sing as loud as I can until I'm sure that everyone in this country has heard us. I'll sing with all my heart until I share the stage with Sakuma-san and Hiro and I are considered the best along with Nittle Grasper.

The concert is starting! Listen everyone, I promise this:

I'll sing as hard as I can until I'm out of breath!

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Thanks to Guren (I noticed you reviewed all my Gravitation fics), Kanilla, HeavenGoddess, and DECP (yeah I love the angst!).  
Just to make it clear, except for the interludes, all the stories are supposed to take place when all of them were teeanagers, around 13 to 16 years old. In Hiro's case I think he was 13 and so he that's when he started learning to play the guitar. He could've been younger or a bit older though...  
The interludes are kind of a break of all the angst, so most of them will be sweet and fluffy.  
This is to celebrate my b-day, so I hope you'll like it. Unlike Ryuichi, I can't imagine Shuichi being anything but optimistic...  
Sorry if there are mistakes. Next: Intruder.


	6. Intruder

**Chapter five: Intruder**

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I'm scared. I may not look like it, but I'm scared like I've never been before in my life. I know I'm good, and I know they'll have to take me in, whether they like it or not.

And there lies the problem, what if they don't like me? What if they don't want me? Tohma assured me that it would be fine and that there would be no trouble.

"Just show them what you've are worth for", he says. But it's not that easy. I could very well be fucking Beethoven and still they might not accept me. Cause I'm an intruder. I'm not one of them, I don't know anything about them, I mean I can't even remember their names!

So, I'm worried, and scared. I'll go do my best, but still...

For what Tohma told me, they have know each other since forever, or at least since a very long long time now, so they are best friends and all. I've never had a best friend. I had acquaintances at school, but there wasn't anyone that I could trust to, no one ever trusted me either. To everyone else, I was just another spoiled child...

So how am I supposed to fit in this group? How can I make them trust me? How can I learn to trust them?

I envy them... to have such a dream and someone to share it with... they won't like me, because I don't share they dream. For me, this band thing is just a hobby. For them it's their lives.

I'm so scared... I can imagine them working with me, smiling and all, but I wonder... what will they say about me when I'm not around? Will they fake their friendship to me and avoid me as whenever they can?

Maybe it's just a low self-esteem, but who can blame me? I've never had real friends before. I don't know how to accept the fact that they might just like me and become my friends.

I remember now. Shindou-san and Nakano-san. I'll meet them in a few minutes, and see for sure if this will work or now. The building is in view and I can't help myself from dragging my feet as I walk... I'm a Fujisaki for God's sake! I should be walking with confidence to the building, maybe even with a superior attitude!

Damn it. Fuck it all. If they don't accept me I'll just go tell Tohma I don't like them and that will be it. So now let's go, confident Seguchi-like smile and Fujisaki attitude, I know how good I am, so there's nothing to be worried about.

Just breath in and out Suguru, and please, for all that you love in this world, please remember, the one with long hair is Nakano and the one with the pink one is Shindou.

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Thanks to Guren... the only one who reviewed (sobs in a dark corner of her room) lol  
Strawberry pocky for her!

Sorry if there are mistakes. Next: A family's tragedy


	7. A family\'s tragedy

**Chapter seven: A family's tragedy**

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Hello. Anyone there? Ah, so I'll eat alone, as usual. How boring, and then they ask why I'm always out instead of being home.

I bet my father is out doing some monk work, preaching about what's good and right in this world... Not that he follows what he says, but that's beyond the point. And I bet my sister is somewhere else making out with her fiancé... ugh.

And let's see... Eiri must be out in a bookstore, or looking for a girl to sleep with. I envy him, he's already looking for an apartment, ready to get out. Well, he can afford it, his first book has made him pretty famous. He's only twenty and he's already a famous writer... this must be only possible on the Uesugi family.

sigh- I wonder what can I do to compete with that. I know people think I'm my dad's favorite, but... just because I'm gonna train as a monk that doesn't mean I'll be a good one. And Mika is the ambitious one of the family, I really don't care about school or being a monk. Can you imagine that?

Also... no one will ever say it, but I'm the second choice for the job. Yeah... it's the worst kept secret in the whole country, I'm sure of that, if my father had had to choose his successor between all his children, that I hope it's only the three of us, he would've chosen Eiri.

But Eiri hates this temple since... well since before I can remember. I still don't know what took him so long to take the initiative to get out. He and father are always fighting, and never agree on anything. I'm quieter in that aspect, so no one ever complains about me. Actually no one ever notices me either.

Yeah, they are all to busy in their own lives to notices little Tatsuha. Not that I'm complaining, of course. For example no one noticed that last week I had a fight at school. Sure the principal sent dad a note, but he signed it without looking at it, so...

Should I order pizza? I like cooking, but preparing food and eating alone it's kinda depressing, so maybe I should order something... not that that isn't depressing itself, but what else can I do? Ah, I should have accepted when Renjiro invited me to eat at his house. At least I wouldn't be alone _today_.

It's amazing how he's the only friend I've got outside school even though he's four years older than I am. Also he doesn't mind me smoking at his house. Here Eiri would freak out if he noticed I steal some of his cigars. Mika is slightly careless in that aspect, she never notices. At least in that aspect I have nothing to envy to my brothers, I can smoke as the best of them.

It's already twenty past eight. Where the hell is everyone? Don't they remember I'm here alone? Damn it. At least Mika should... Nah, she doesn't care as much as she used to, before New York she was always helping me with homework and stuff, but then again that was a long time ago. Now she's all over Eiri, like he can't take care of himself. Father better not have gone to drink with Yukata sensei again, 'cause I'm not dragging him to his bed again.

Eleven thirty. No one is home yet. I didn't finish my homework either. It's a genealogical tree anyway, and that would mean asking one of the members of this family about mom, and her family. I wonder if she was still alive, would this family be as messed up as it is? Could she have helped Eiri with whatever happened four years ago? Would Mika be so desperate for love that she allows her fiancé to love someone else? Would dad avoid me as he does because I have her character?

Would she greet me with a smile when I get home and talk to me before I go to sleep? Would she have forgotten my birthday as well?

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Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation or any of it's characters. 

A/N: Tatsuha has just turned fourteen on this one. Thanks to Guren and to Kanilla-Master of Fluff.

Sorry if there are mistakes. Next: My song wasn't mean to be


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